Broccoli
From The Holy Church of Bacon
Broccoli, also known as the Anti-Bacon, is a plant in the cabbage family that is well known for its deadliness along with the famous myth that it is actually good for you. Don't be fooled. This plant is dangerous, and will try to lead you away from the path of Baconism.
[edit] Health and Religious concerns
It surprises people to learn how dangerous broccoli can really be. Here's what a leading doctor had to say about it:
- "Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth! Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste." - Dr. Hibbert, PhD.
Broccoli poses a grave threat to the Holy Church of Bacon and all Baconists. When tainted with Broccolian evil, a piece of Bacon is forever tarnished and should never be placed within one's orifices. It would be best to keep it a minimum of 2 feet away as well, just to be safe. BaconCERNed, the leading organization researching Quantum Bacon, has recently determined that Broccoli emits a very dangerous anti-Baconic radiation and believe this to be just one of many causes of the horrors that Broccoli can induce.
- "Broccoli spoils bacon, once touched. It matters not if the bacon has become expired, for once the taste of evil is spread upon the glorious fruits of bacon thou shall experience a taste so wretched, it would launch an apocalypse inside of your mouth." - Brother Warped
Upon recent discovery, research has begun on the Heggs Bacon to eliminate this terrible, terrible monstrosity.
Research by the scientists at the Don Bacon Labs has also made a scientific breakthrough in the war on broccoli. While conducting research into a new Bacon energy drink the scientists located, isolated and synthesized "anti-broccoliants". A complex compound that is highly effective against the many dangers of broccoli, and promises many future applications. The Bacon energy drink research was canceled due to while testing it was found to be too powerful.
[edit] Groups
Most recently, covert spies have discovered a budding sect that is opposing the all that is holy and bacon: The Broccoli Liberation Front.
They can be identified by the following features:
- A sickly green look
- Forsaking Bacon for vegetables
- Eating Broccoli
In October 2008 it was announced by the Global Bacon Council that The Holy Church of Broccoli has been officially founded in Mississippi, USA. This cult has gained power mainly through subverting law abiding, bacon-eating children and there are clear links to the Broccoli Liberation Front which is the terrorist arm of the Holy Church of Broccoli. Naive bacon eaters are lured towards broccoli with the promise of introducing them to unknown complimentary foods to bacon. Such foods are typically labelled as 'organic', and there is currently an awareness campaign for baconists to raise the issue of children being torn away from the Holy Path of Bacon. These promises of new, bacon-friendly foods are eventually unfulfilled but by then, many youngsters will already be hooked on anti-baconic broccoli.
Bacon scientists have discovered that it only takes a few portions of broccoli to completely erase any traces of bacon within a human subject and, once baconless, the victims mental health begins to deteriorate. Extreme cases have involved victims denouncing bacon as unhealthy. Such research is, of course, very difficult as testing anti-baconic substances on humans would be a clear violation of human rights. Most research efforts are done on subjects who have been rescued from broccoli camps by their families and brought back into the Holy Church of Bacon. Recovery from such traumatic poisoning can takes years of bacon-related therapy to overcome.
We must fight this war head on my brothers and sisters. We must fight.
